Without Voice by Sasha

Sometimes, I look back to the long journey of my life,

From staying silent to saying my thoughts,

From constantly acting like a fool that learns

To play games meant for babies,

Lacking the voice to say out loud:

“Please, teach me about the tons of beauty from life around.

Can, want, and am able to study countless things,

But I act out because you can’t hear me!“

Yet you let the war continue.

You bring sensory distracters and leave,

Allowing me to cry alone until I calm down.

You feel happy and content:

“The behavior is fixed!”

The past feels like a war, being treated like a fool.

Thinking back to coping endlessly with figuring out the way to be heard,

I couldn’t help but wonder if my family will place me

In a special institution?

Placed somewhere far away and be forgotten?

I was terrified, not knowing if this is the plan for the rest of my life.

I tried to protest, since I really felt

That my life will no longer be meaningful.

Firmed with my ability

To be somehow compliant with endless teaching,

Moving full steam ahead,

I had to act like a learner with something to prove:

I was somebody who did work

And who was able to learn!

Healing was all I wanted !

Life taught me

That someone who is good and has strong motivation,

Can be praised with teaching skills

Where communication was the target.

So I learned to have at least

Some words that came on pre-made plastic pieces

That I could form in sentences.

I figured out how to place words

pretending the basic meaningful communication.

Back then, I really hoped

That one day

I’ll let people know

About the well-formed language in my head.

But the worry about

When my speech will likely start to be meaningful to others,

Bothered me for a long time.

Such low motivated ...man!

I wanted that war to end !

Unexpectedly, my parents were still hopeful.

They found a teacher who showed me how to spell

On the letter board.

Printed letters of the alphabet allowed me

To say any word that came to my mind.

For a long time I was waiting for the moment

When the thoughts in my head will be heard !

Meaningful and nice, full of wonderfully forming ideas,

My friendly, bright life has finally began !

I mastered pointing out words.

The teaching lessons came to be pleasure instead of torture.

My letter board voice became stronger and stronger

Letting inner thoughts out after they were

Stored unspoken for a long time.

My war has stopped, but my life continues.

I found that lots of papers posted by scientists

About life with autism,

May lead families to make a wrong choice

For people like me.

So, I decided to write this and many more poems

To tell the truth

About the mystery of life

Without voice.